The Mother Wound

“The Mother Wound is the pain of being a woman passed down through generations of women in patriarchal cultures.”

The mother wound has been a a deep and prominent wound that has showed up in my life in various ways. As I began to bring the shadow aspects of this wound into the light, I was inspired to work more with women, offering women circles. My subconscious was calling to me, I was being asked to decipher the messages of these wounds, and the best way to do that was to be in the spaces with women. Most recently, I have been called to work specifically with mothers at the beginning of their journeys as mothers, during the postpartum season, as a doula. I am also currently creating a container for an 8 week offering called MotherCircle. I received the training for this offering through a teacher and mentor of mine, Kimberly Ann Johnson. Before setting out to market this circle I experienced a pause, something within me said “wait”.

As I began to truly embody the teachings of this training, another deeply hidden aspect of my shadow revealed itself. This pause, I see now, was the higher version of myself, using the pause to address this wound in order to allow a more whole and integrated version of myself to be present while holding this container for the mothers I will draw to me. We often think it starts with us, the judgement we have about our own mothers, we then see this wound trickle into our own mothering, and at times, the frequency and energy of this wound ripples through our community of mothers, the women that are closest to us.

“Healing the Mother Wound is a form of integrity and taking responsibility for one’s own life.”

In order for me to show up in an authentic way, the deeper layers of these wounds needed to be dealt with in order to create a new layer of understanding of the mother wound and how it has shown up for hundreds of years, shapeshifting, with the root remaining the same. The cycle and non-linear nature of the healing journey when you say yes to learning more.

Understanding that these wounds have showed up in my relationships with the feminine for years, and have drawn women to me that have had similar wounds as mine, as mirrors for the work that needed to be done. The wounds I experienced often showing up as competition, jealousy, judgement, criticism, and comparison, lack of trust and the need to be seen and accepted.

“In our patriarchal, male-dominated culture women are conditioned to think of themselves as “less-than” and not deserving or worthy. This feeling of “less-than” has been internalized and passed down through countless generations of women.”

— Bethany Webster

I recently read an article written by Bethany Webster titled Mother Wound Healing: Why it’s crucial for women. In the article she says “We all have sensed the pain that our mothers carry. And all of us are suspicious to some degree that we are partly to blame for her pain. Therein lies the guilt. This makes sense when considering the limited cognitive development of a child, which sees itself as the cause of all things. If we don’t address this unconscious belief as an adult, we may still be walking around with it and greatly limiting ourselves as a result.”

“The pure rejection of this wound we have witnessed in our mothers, often leaves us rejecting our mothers all together. Or we tend to shrink ourselves in fear that we may “leave” our mothers behind. Many of us confuse being loyal to our mothers with being loyal to their wounds, and thus, complicit in our own oppression.”

Her understanding of the mother wound as a result of the patriarchal system we live in and the societal beliefs around what a mother should be, which I believe is a also a result of the Purity Complex, that has been a subliminal program we have been running since the beginning of colonization. The amount of pressure society places on women in general that eventually bleeds into the season of motherhood. These unrealistic expectations that women subconsciously act from that are weaved into the very fabric of our current existence. Because women are not given permission to be full human beings, society feels justified in not providing full respect, support and resources to mothers. We then create these versions of ourselves that stem from these unrealistic expectations, which begin to strip away at our very truth, sovereignty and empowerment as women and as mothers.

“Mother Wound healing requires that you untangle the subtle, overt, and unspoken messages about motherhood and to mothers. This questioning leads to an internal reckoning with the definition of femininity, sovereignty, and womanhood. Society’s unspoken messages to mothers include.”

Bethany says “Mothers may unconsciously project deep rage towards their children in subtle ways. However, the rage really isn’t towards the children. The rage is towards the patriarchal society that requires women to sacrifice and utterly deplete themselves in order to mother a child.”

Mothers Are Responsible for Their Own Mother Wound Healing

We prevent this mother wound from continuing on by addressing any emotions we may have carried over into motherhood, from our time as maidens. These ideas of who we may have been, who we aren’t, who society tells us we should be. We must confront these shadow aspects of ourselves, and often times become the mothers we needed as children, to our own inner child, thus creating a ripple effect into our own journey as mothers. As we shift from the archetype of maiden into the archetypal phase of mother, we must allow for any grief and anger that we experience with this shift, along with any guilt we may feel for experiencing these deep and often taboo emotions as a mother. Society does not focus enough on the importance of integration from one phase of life to another.

When we bring these shadow aspects of ourselves into our awareness, into the light, we are then able to work on our healing and the rewriting of our stories. We are able to grow into the versions of ourselves as women and mothers that we want to be, not what we think society wants and needs us to be.

Healing the many levels of the mother wound - from our own mothers, as mothers and within our community of mothers. The mother wound is a profound experience to have awareness around.

“If we avoid acknowledging the full impact of our mother’s pain on our lives, we still remain to some degree, children.

The pain no longer needs to go underground and into shadow, where it manifests as manipulation, competition, and self-hatred. Our pain can be grieved fully so that it can then turn into love, a love that manifests as fierce support of one another and deep self-acceptance, freeing us to be boldly authentic, creative and truly fulfilled.

When we heal the Mother Wound, we begin to grasp the stunning degree of impact a mother’s well-being has on the life of her child, especially in early childhood when the child and mother are still a single unit. Our mothers form the very basis of who we become: our beliefs start out as her beliefs; our habits start out as her habits. Some of this is so unconscious and fundamental, it is barely perceptible.”

So, how do we know if we are operating from a mother wound? Often times our surroundings will carry the messages for us, reflecting the wounds and stories we have about ourselves. By this I mean, who in your life at the moment has a loud enough presence of criticism or maybe someone that is syphoning your energy, beyond your children lol, without reciprocation. Once you have found that person, notice how it matches the voice in your head that may be tied to your mother’s voice.

For those that carry the mother wound of absence, of not having a mother’s presence at all, notice the deep desire to fill that void, and what you have been filling it with. How has this absence showed up for you, and how can you provide the missing mothering you received as a child now for yourself as an adult? Again, being that mother you needed for yourself.

Bethany also shares a list of qualities that will show up as a result of your healing the mother wound. I have listed them below:

Being more fluent and skilled in handling your emotions. Seeing them as a source of wisdom and information.
Having healthy boundaries that support the actualization of your highest and best self.
Developing a solid “inner mother” that provides unconditional love, support, and comfort to your younger parts.
Knowing yourself as competent. Feeling that anything is possible, open to miracles and all good things.
Being in constant contact with your inner goodness and your ability to bring it into everything you do.
Deep compassion for yourself and other people.
Not taking yourself too seriously. No longer needing external validation to feel OK. Not needing to prove yourself to others.
Trusting life to bring you what you need.
Feeling safe in your own skin and the freedom to be yourself.
So much more…

“What I call “Inner mothering” is a practice of having compassion for ourselves no matter what comes our way, including things like being messy, feeling enraged, feeling confused, sad, and misunderstood.”

May we all come to a place of learning to “Inner Mother” ourselves. May this new way of being ripple through all timelines, dimensions - past, present and future. May it create a shift in our lineages on such a grand scale that we see these changes in our own lifetime, with our own children and maybe even our own mothers.